Log in

13 February 2017 @ 12:32 pm
Realizations that are probably too little, too late  
Do you ever do something profoundly life-altering, and you don't know why at the time? And maybe you don't even realize why until years down the line? I'd buried the whole Matrix Cult thing. It was something that I mentioned on occasion to close friends, my roommates, my Burner camp (we do nearly everything together in Reality Camp, too - we joke that we *are* a cult. If the Matrix existed as presented in the films, we'd be a hovercraft crew, only our Playa names would be our hacker handles.)

But the actual psychological ramifications were a thing that only broke through at certain times, like back in February 2015 when Jupiter Ascending debuted in theaters. And that was a huge...relapse? Flashback? I am not sure what to call it. But it forced me to deal with a lot of the things I'd repressed.

Recently, something has happened to cause a lot of this stuff to come back to the forefront. Some of the people involved are likely reading this right now - and if you are, please don't worry about it, because this needed to happen. Last summer, stuff happened at Flipside which caused me to re-examine my first exposure to the idea that there were other people out there like me. People who felt different than human. People who had alters and/or headmates. Soulbonders. Otherkin.

Some people on here may be on the filter where I talked about that, but there is also this entry and this entry, which are public. It turned out to be a bad scene. I lost people who I thought were the best friends I'd ever had. She (my ex best friend) got to "keep" them - at least until her hold over them started to fall apart around 2 1/2 years later.

And back in July, I had a four-hour conversation with one of those people who'd been a part of that whole scene, and came to the realization that my "best friend" when I was sixteen was a predator who who had targeted people who were vulnerable and had qualities she felt she could exploit, and had dropped me because my "psychic/psychological immune system" started to belatedly kick in, and I called her out on it.

At the time, I felt so horribly cut off that my brief flashes of courage, integrity, and justified anger on behalf of another person hardly felt worth it. I ended up with the impression that I'd overreacted and the whole thing had been my fault, and if I'd just kept quiet, we'd have all remained friends. It set the stage for my life over the next fifteen years. I got into a habit of gravitating towards similar people, thinking I could "salvage" the situation "this time" and "fix" what had happened when I was sixteen. And I wouldn't be lonely or cut off anymore.

I got involved with a Matrix RP on LJ after one of the worst periods in my life, right after another friendship with another "other" person had fallen apart (this one an Essessani I'd met in the X Files fandom) She wasn't predatory or abusive in the least, but our mutual bad headspaces proved to be too much and the friendship didn't survive.

I was suicidal for months, about that and other things. Finding the Matrix RP on LJ in early 2004 was what dragged me out of it. But I went in the closet. I buried anything "other" after that - to the point that when known Matrix soulbonders/fictives tried to join the RP, my friends in the Matrix RP started to make fun of “those people,” (fictives, soulbonders, otherkin.) I joined right in, until the part of me that I was repressing started to quietly object. Not to paint my RP friends as being entirely in the wrong - there was other drama going on, and conflict for other reasons besides the Matrix fictives who’d tried to infiltrate the RP just being Matrix fictives.

But I told my friends in the RP that I was going to go infiltrate the “Matrix Otherkin Cult” and actually joined. And suddenly I was basically juggling two warring groups. And when the Matrix Cult split between “Neo” and Smith, I secretly kept in contact with Smith. So I was juggling three warring groups, and trying to stay loyal to all of them, which proved to be impossible. All to minimize the possibility of being “cut off” again.

And in doing this, I became the fakest person who ever faked. I presented a false front to everyone, in an attempt to stay friends with everyone. And this actually ended up costing me a lot of friends, and a lot of people’s respect, for totally legitimate reasons. Anyway, in the summer of 2005, people from “Neo’s” side started going through third parties to attack Smith (GAFF, Fandom Wank, etc.) And I confronted “Neo” about it directly. And "Neo" reacted in the worst way possible.

After the blowup with "Neo," I knew I had the moral high ground, but I felt cut-off again as never before. I was why I tried to re establish contact, thinking we could come to some sort of an understanding. I'd never intended to have a falling out with him/them. From their blog posts and other interactions, I was convinced I could reason with this person. When he and his girlfriend “Trinity” and a third roommate/Neo devotee got evicted from their apartment, I sent them money to get bus tickets so they could go back home to Maine.

They stopped over in Dallas and ended up staying, and moving in with me. I was certain that with enough stability they’d be able to get back on their feet. But that was never their goal. I ranted all about it here back in 2006. This was a mistake. The persona they’d projected via their blog entries was nothing like the guy who blew up at me over email - and who turned out to be an absolute nightmare to deal with in person, on a daily basis. I ranted about it here.

After we all got evicted and “Neo” and company left town, I went back into the closet again. I buried it for years, not realizing that I need "the other." I need to be a part of a community of people like me. But I’ve felt cut off for years. I’ve felt that I deserved it, even as I low-key started looking for communities and reaching out again.

I have great friends now, both IRL and online, who know me as I am. I’ve tried to be a better person over the past ten years. But I’ve never apologized to people like pixeled and honey_child, and others who I deceived. I’m sorry I was a bad friend. I am sorry that I didn’t say so back then. I am sorry that I presented myself as someone I wasn’t. I’m sorry that I wasn’t just honest with you, because that could have prevented so much that went wrong.

And for years I looked back at these events and asked, "Why did I do all of that? why did I try and fly under the radar, when being open about things would have worked out so much better? Why did I betray good friends for a violent junkie psychopath who moved in on me and destroyed everything I had?" In trying to keep from losing a bunch of my friends again, and to stay friends with both the RPers and the Soulbonders at the same time, and by not being honest about that, I basically did a bunch of stuff that caused me to lose a bunch of my friends. 
Current Music: The Who - The Real Me